When did this happen?

I am 30....there I've said it. Accepting it is a whole different story. Everyday when I wake up I constantly need to remind myself of this, that I am in fact 30, not in my early 20's like I think.

I am not aging gracefully. I am terrified of getting older. In my job I am constantly faced with the downside of getting old: failing health, cancer, decay. In my 20's it was easier to deal with because I always thought those people were so much older than me. However, as my age advances, I am faced with people in the hospital that are my parent's age, my friend's age, my age.

I have tried to come to grips with my age. But, what does it mean to be 30? On paper it seems as if I am there. I have a house, a mortgage, a child, a husband, two cars along with two car payments. None of these things seem to compute with my 20 something brain. In my mind I am still the punk rock girl, looking for shows, ready to drink, stay up all night, blow money on ridiculous purchases. The other day I sat around and contemplated getting a full chest tattoo or perhaps a nose ring. I still do these things. I still laugh when someone says "balls". (Seriously, I laughed for an entire day just thinking about situations of people saying balls.) My body and my mind are not on the same page. Now when I stay up too late (past 10:30) I have to figure out when I can squeeze a nap in the next day. When I drink too much, my body reminds me for the next 24 hours that this is not acceptable behavior. Going to a show? Ha! First, let me find a babysitter, make sure the band doesn't go on until at least 7:30, and then make sure to be home by 10:30 and not drink to much, lest my body really punish me.

I look at women around me, my age and older, who seem to be fine with an extra candle on the birthday cake each year, but whatever they have I do not. I will most likely be that women in her 60's with dyed hair and wearing clothes that are not even close to age appropriate.